How to Give Guidance

Restraint is called for even under fairly dire circumstances, such as when your spouse is driving. I know this from experience, having offered suggestions to my wife at the wheel. Instead of thanking me, she invariably brings up the speeding ticket I got 11 years ago. The worst time to give advice about driving, I’ve learnt, is when a person is driving.

When your advice is asked for:
1. Avoid answering too quickly. Ask questions. Nod your head. Wait until you get a nudge: “So what do you think?” If people have to work a little for your insight, they’ll value it all the more.

2. Listen carefully to your advisee’s account of their situation and answer based on what they should do – not necessarily what you would do. When my daughter asked whether she should become a nurse, I recoiled. What a terrible job, I thought. I can’t stand the sight of blood. But then I remembered her childhood enjoyment of mixing potions to “cure” us. “Go to nursing school,” I said. She loves it.

3. Determine what the recipient really wants. Sometimes, it’s your sympathy or another perspective. My daughter didn’t need my wisdom; she wanted my approval. In other words, instead of advice, what most people seek is your blessing.

J.H.