Stand-Up Comics’ Funniest Lines

A woman’s mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you. - Billy Connolly

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. - Emo Philips

I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice. - Arj Barker

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before. - Bob Hope

Jesus died for our sins. So the least we can do is give him good ones. - The Umbilical Brothers

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?” - Jay Leno 

I constantly walk into a room and I don’t remember why. But for some reason, I think there’s going to be a clue in the fridge - Caroline Rhea 

Ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin 

What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand maths. - Mike Birbiglia

I’d be more likely to pick up the Bible if, as well as the classics, it also contained ‘The Ten Commandments of Avoiding a Full Body Search at Customs’ or ‘The Ten Commandments of the Express Lane at the Supermarket’. - Wil Anderson