10 funny animal jokes and anecdotes

-Groucho Marx

 

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A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.’

 

‘Why not?’ the snake asks.

 

‘Because you can’t hold your liquor.’

 

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I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, ‘How do you like that? Pay toilets.’

 

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Two dog owners are arguing over whose dog is the cleverest.

 

‘My dog is so smart’, says the first owner, ‘that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come round. He tips the boy and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning cup of coffee.’

 

‘I know,’ says the second owner.

 

‘How do you know?’

 

‘My dog told me.’

 

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A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, ‘My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.’

 

‘Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?’ asked the collie.

 

‘I can’t,’ replied the poodle. ‘I’m not allowed on the couch.’

 

-John Gamba

 

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-C Paterson

 

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Snake 1: 'Are we poisonous?'

Snake 2: 'I don't know, why?'

Snake 1: 'I just bit my lip.'

 

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One of my neighbours owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me. ‘That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue.’

 

‘Where on earth did you get such unusual names?’ I asked.

 

‘Oh, those are their last names,’ she explained. ‘Their first names are Cat.’

 

Milton Erskine

 

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One of the highlights of the biology course at my university was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire class gathered around the cage and, in complete silence, watched as the feeding took place.

 

‘I’m jealous of the snake,’ the instructor said. ‘I never get the class’s undivided attention like this.’

 

A student answered matter-of-factly, ‘You would if you could swallow a mouse.’

 

-Diane Talbott-Mosier

 

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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

 

-Steven Wright