"Who here speaks French?" demanded our sergeant. Three guys raised their hands. "Good," he said. "You get to clean the latrine. That's a French word."

Officer candidate school at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, was tough. During an inspection, a fellow soldier received 30 demerits for a single penny found within his area. Ten demerits were for "valuables insecure," ten because the penny wasn't shined, and ten because Abraham Lincoln needed a shave.

Inspirational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer still remembers the card his kids gave him for his 64th birthday. The front said, "Inside is a message from God."

Pleased they finally appreciated his work, he opened it to read, "See you soon!"

With several years of Army National Guard duty under his belt, my roommate applied for officer training. But his lifelong dreams were dashed after he failed the eye exam.

"That's too bad," I sympathized. "Does that mean you now have to quit the Guard entirely?"

"No, I get to keep my old job," he said. "Driving trucks."

In Hong Kong on business, my friend Rocky was in a cab, and the driver pointed to some Asians on the sidewalk. "They are Americans," he said.

"How can you tell?" asked Rocky.

"They're fat."

Pointing to his gut, Rocky asked, "Well, what about me?"

Since insulted fares are the worst tippers, the driver responded, "You are not fat. You are prosperous."

A propane supply store isn't shy about revealing where its heart lies: "Tank heaven for little grills."

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"