After setting off the alarms at airport security, I was escorted behind a curtain. As two female officials "wanded" me, the senior officer gave instructions to the trainee on proper technique: first down the front of my body, then up the back of me, and—much to my embarrassment—up between my legs. After she was done, her boss congratulated her. "Great job," she said. "Now do it again. But this time, try turning on the wand." --Victoria Radford

After my ten-year-old daughter declared her disgust with cosmetic surgery, I dropped a bomb on her. "Don’t be too quick to judge," I told her. "Before college, I had a nose job." She was completely thrown. "You mean," she said, "it was bigger?" --Tanya Scherschel

Louie and his wife are listening to the radio when they hear the weather report: "A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street.” So Louie gets up and moves his car. Two days later—same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared,” blares the radio. "Park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street.” Louie gets up and does what he’s told. Three days later: "There will be a foot of snow today. Park your cars on the ...,” and then the power goes out. "What should I do?” a confused Louie asks his wife. "This time,” she says, "why don’t you just leave the car in the garage?”

Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them." -- Barbara Telecsan

Scene: Starbucks. Customer:

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough." -- Lloyd G. Young

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" "Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times." --Marilyn Adkins