My go-getter coworker asked me, "Andrea, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?” I replied, "On the chance that I get fired this afternoon and don’t have to do it at all.” --Andrea Henry

A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu. "I’m sorry, but it’s 10:15," I told her. "We’re only serving breakfast now." After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?" --Beth Tilson

"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.” --Tim Vine

It’s tough enough selling a home nowadays. Don’t make the mistakes that turned off these readers on the City Room blog of The New York Times: • "It was a good house, well-maintained. But the bed with the person in it was off-putting." • "The family dog, long departed, was stuffed and standing next to the fireplace. RIP Sparky." • "The main distraction was dirt. Although there was the tiny child who proudly showed us the refrigerator full of ‘Daddy’s beer’ just outside an upstairs bedroom."

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t." --Deborah Kelly

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” "Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.” "Will that cleanse my sin from me?” "No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.” --Edward F. Castellanos