After I spoke at a grade school assembly about veterans, a student asked, "Were you ever in a war?" "Yes, two," I said. "World War II and Korea." The girl's follow-up question: "Which war did you like best?" --William Holmes

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. --Adam J. Smargon

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!” He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?” “You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.” “So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?” “Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’” Fromplanetproctor.com

Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck. 1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? ’65 Ford Fairlane ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle ’64 Pontiac GTO 2) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum. 3) A woodcutter has a chain saw, which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. Here’s the question: How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 4) If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? --Wes Duncan

I have a bad attitude. When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear. --Craig Sharf

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days." "Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days." "I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you." --Kathleen Howell

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the cookie fell on the floor?" --Kelly LeDoux