I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: "You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings."

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

 

 

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"

 

 

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.

 

 

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

 

 

"Definitely," he says.

 

 

"How about Viagra?"

 

 

"Of course."

 

 

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

 

 

"Yes, the works."

 

 

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

 

 

 "Absolutely."

 

 

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

 

 

"All speeds and sizes."

 

 

"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

 

 

Teacher: What is an evangelist? Student: Someone who plays the evangelo. --Donna Saperstone

During his re-enlistment interview, the first sergeant asked my friend if he'd considered re-upping in the Air Force. "I wouldn't re-enlist if you made me a four-star general, gave me a million dollars and Miss America for a roommate!" he seethed. On the form, the first sergeant wrote, "Airman is undecided."

In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay. He searched and called for the bird, with no luck.

The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller asked. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’”

Nicky’s cage had been kept in the same room as Mark’s answering machine.

I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."

I was waiting in the office of our lone, overworked doctor when a local repairman, father of seven children, dashed in looking worried and distraught.

To the nurse he explained, "My kids are all sick with some kind of bug. I know that Doc is too busy for me to bring 'em all in here, but I wondered if I could bring in one for a sample?"